It’s a good thing that leap years come only every four years.\u00c2\u00a0 Judging from the month I’ve had, I wouldn’t survive it.<\/p>\n
Oh jeez, I hear somebody say, what could possibly be so bad?\u00c2\u00a0 You get to surf the net, eat bonbons, and watch “Tiny Toons” all day in the comfort of your own home.<\/p>\n
Odds are that the folks who keep up on my little rantings already know.\u00c2\u00a0 Well, some of the info might be new to somebody, so be patient while the dorks in the back catch up with the rest of the class.<\/p>\n
There’ve been a few family emergencies.\u00c2\u00a0 My father has Alzheimer’s.\u00c2\u00a0 Jamie and I made a point to drive a few hundred miles to visit him over Christmas.\u00c2\u00a0 We said hello.\u00c2\u00a0 He led us around the house in his walking frame (my God, he needs a walker now<\/i>) giving us candies and tangerines and words of wisdom that occasionally made their points clear.<\/p>\n
He’s so frail now.\u00c2\u00a0 He’d had a bad fall months ago, and his growing dependence on others depresses him.\u00c2\u00a0 One minute he curses everybody for hovering over him.\u00c2\u00a0 In quieter moments, when they’re not around, he calls them a blessing…and cries.\u00c2\u00a0 And yes, his thoughts wander.\u00c2\u00a0 He rambles.\u00c2\u00a0 But he did that even at the height of his powers.<\/p>\n
One thing that’s definitely new:\u00c2\u00a0 He’s like a kid, getting into mischief.\u00c2\u00a0 Months ago, he had an ongoing battle with a KFC near his house, badgering them about their lousy service, forcing the manager to placate him with a fistful of gift certificates.\u00c2\u00a0 This morning, my sister e-mailed me that he’d just eaten a whole box of tangerines and gotten himself sick.<\/p>\n
I’m gonna lose him.\u00c2\u00a0 Seeing him deteriorate, seeing the difference in just six months, shook me harder than any storm.\u00c2\u00a0 It made an abstract certainty real.\u00c2\u00a0 He was a well-intentioned brute when I was a kid.\u00c2\u00a0 I’d always felt like Bilbo Baggins facing Smaug in his lair whenever he called me to his room.\u00c2\u00a0 Every fourth Saturday, he spanked me with a belt.\u00c2\u00a0 He once tore my shirt, balled up his fist, and tried to deck me.\u00c2\u00a0 When I was eighteen, he threw me out of the house because I hadn’t taken the garbage out, first thing in the morning.\u00c2\u00a0 But all the grudges seem pointless when he’s so fragile.\u00c2\u00a0 Now he’s like chipped, faded china.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m…gonna lose him.<\/p>\n
Yeah, I know.\u00c2\u00a0 Old people go mental and die all the time.\u00c2\u00a0 Newsflash, it’s always different when it’s yours.\u00c2\u00a0 And you’re never ready.<\/p>\n
Another case in point.\u00c2\u00a0 My second best friend is dying.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s just a cat, so who cares, right?\u00c2\u00a0 I mean, ten to fifteen years is a good run for a cat.\u00c2\u00a0 I knew that when we first took her in.\u00c2\u00a0 Ten years ago.<\/p>\n
Her name is Lilith<\/a> (for the mythological<\/a> character, not the one on “Cheers,”<\/a> so for God’s sake, world, please stop asking.)\u00c2\u00a0 She’s a black domestic shorthair, a classic Halloween cat.\u00c2\u00a0 She chose me.\u00c2\u00a0 I’d chosen several cats as pets over the years.\u00c2\u00a0 This one chose me.\u00c2\u00a0 I didn’t know cats ever did that.\u00c2\u00a0 She ran up my body, planted herself on my chest, where she did that kneading, “making biscuits” thing.<\/p>\n She has lymphoma, deep in her left nostril.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s growing well beyond it.\u00c2\u00a0 For a while, it was so bad that she held her head up, her dark face coated in snot, gulping down air, struggling to breathe.\u00c2\u00a0 We took her to a specialist who performed a rhinoscopy, taking some of the tissue out for analysis.<\/p>\n The preliminary results.\u00c2\u00a0 The preponderance of evidence.\u00c2\u00a0 The how fucking burned out I am, watching Lilith sleep longer and longer, knowing I could look forward to weeks of watching her fade away.<\/p>\n The rhinoscopy has actually helped her. I hoped it would, but didn’t expect this.\u00c2\u00a0 Her nose bled a little, but she could breathe.\u00c2\u00a0 She’s relaxed, become more energetic.\u00c2\u00a0 Last week, when the early results were in, I slept sitting up because Lilith wanted to sleep between my feet for the first time in weeks.\u00c2\u00a0 At first I couldn’t sleep at all.\u00c2\u00a0 I figured I should savor it while we both had the strength.\u00c2\u00a0 I stayed up.\u00c2\u00a0 Cried a few times.\u00c2\u00a0 Quietly, so I wouldn’t wake her or Jamie up.<\/p>\n I get on with my day.\u00c2\u00a0 I want to do something more productive than feel wounded, angry, or powerless.\u00c2\u00a0 Look at me.\u00c2\u00a0 I’m so productive.<\/p>\n Oh, and that e-mail from my sister.\u00c2\u00a0 Something else she told me:\u00c2\u00a0 My uncle Fred died yesterday.<\/p>\n My father is down to two tangerines a day.<\/p>\n Lilith sleeps.<\/p>\n I’m tired.\u00c2\u00a0 Haven’t been sleeping well.<\/p>\n